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Great Book: How to Deal with Difficult People

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I have found that some books work as great conversation starters. Several months ago I read Gill Hasson’s How to Deal with Difficult People: Smart Tactics for Overcoming the Problem People in Your Life. This book caused more nervous reactions from people in my office than other books. I later moved the book out of eyesight so that people would not nervously asked if I bought the book in preparation for a meeting!

difficult front cover

The truth is that I did buy the book to review the array of skills that are needed to work effectively with difficult situations and difficult people. The book is about communication and it’s a great addition to my library. I have also suggested the book to others. I appreciate the back cover, “This book explains how to cope with a range of situations with difficult people and to focus on what you can change.”

The table of contents is clearly divided into three main areas: Dealing with Difficult People, Putting It into Practice, and When All Else Fails. Each section is about communication; however, the sections also provide opportunity for introspection. What can you do better? And, tips for dealing with different types of hostility. We all have dealt with the co-worker who is unwilling to take on work. “Oh, I’d do it, but I just don’t have the capacity to do one more thing.” And, I know that this is typically a way to not share a work task.

The book also gives some great tips. Listening. I am getting better at listening, but this is a real skill. I have ideas and I am bursting with them, but I have to remember to pause. This takes work! Hasson notes that it’s important to be direct and honest, and offers some assertive phrases:

I need you to…

Can you explain?

Can you tell me more?

I think it would be better to discuss this at another time.

There are certain phrases that many of us understand that can escalate a situation. Using “you” instead of I. Starting off a sentence with: I’m not racist/sexist/homophobic, but. With all due respect. These phrases usually contradict what the person is trying to say and can escalate a conversation. The phrases are anything but part of effective communication. The backdrop of the book is that we need to communicate honestly. Never send an email when you’re angry. Pick up the phone or make time to speak face to face.

Hasson also explains that some people are impossible. That’s right–it’s not that they are difficult, but they are impossible and there is no way to compromise or communicate with them. You need to put on your thick skin and plan how you will communicate and feel about the engagement. And, Hasson notes that with the impossible person, you might want to not engage. The impossible person envelopes themselves in drama and relishes pulling you in. Run. Run as fast as you can and stay away from this person. But, if you must engage, try to make it on your terms.

I try to protect my time and will make sure that I have an immediate other appointment after a meeting with a really difficult or impossible person. I have also protected my personal time from people what some refer to as emotional vampires and seem to only need me. This is not real friendship. Gill Hasson’s book is perfect work and your personal life. The book is filled with lots of tips and I will likely offer a post related solely to one chapter. There is a great chapter on bullies, and that chapter deserves its own post. Here is a screen shot of the back cover.

difficult back cover

Review: danah boyd’s Work

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First of all, author danah boyd does not capitalize her name, so this is not a typographical error. I have read her book It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens (2014) a few times and I’m now teaching it in my Technology and Society 400: Technologies of the Future seminar. She does a great job of offering a thoughtful and respectful examination of teens use of social media. The big takeaway is that today teens use social media to socialize with one another. It is their social space.

She is not offering a wagging finger at youth about narcissism or technology addiction. Sure, she covers cyber-bullying and cyber predators, but overall she treats teens with socio-political agency and not as mindless victims to technology. She also speaks to the digital divide and the ways that youth use technology for important personal connection, and establishing their identities.

My students talked about technology use and addiction and one student noted that addiction is serious term and that we should be mindful of the use of the term. The student was correct, and we chatted about technology addiction. When I queried the class about how many sleep with their phones near their pillow, I saw many sheepish smiles.

This book provides a good opener to the seminar. I find it better to start off on a good foot and not jump right into doom and gloom about data mining, terms of service, and surveillance. That is for next week! Seriously, we are going to cover lots of material about technology and culture and very little condemns it. The class has a major project developing a mock up for an app that is needed on campus or in the greater community. Right now some students want to add to the current mobile app and others want to enhance Fitbits or other wearables for students. From my point–the future is bright.

boyd, danah. 2014. It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens. New Have: Yale U P.

Looking for Work: There is a Book for That

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I stumbled upon a shelf or two at the bookstore filled with career advice books for undergrads and other job seekers. I was quite curious and leafed through some. And, I took photos of a few of them. I’m sure that many of these books dispense good advice for job seekers, and given my penchant to read as much as I can I think it’s good to do your homework. But, there is a part of me that also hopes that students go to the Career Center or whatever name it’s called on campus. Here are some screen shots of some of the books that I leafed through the other day.

I didn’t see anything Earth shattering in the above book–but it does have a snazzy title and will definitely cause some to buy it hoping that the right equation is there for them. I’m not dismissing the book or endorsing it. But, it does catch the eye! I wonder how many copies of this book have sold? You, too can use Social Media to help you get a job. Yes, you can, but just being on social media is not enough. Big smile. Mind your digital footprint. It’s always good to occasionally Google yourself and see what is out there. Clean up your presence if you must. There are reputation management companies to assist you with this, too! Hopefully, most won’t need to resort to the consultant to clean up the digital footprint!

I’ve read the Parachute book and back in the day found it helpful. No wonder it’s been repeatedly published. Many people have no clue what they want to do and books like it are useful to get you thinking about the possibilities and the reality of your own skills and interests. And, nothing beats talking with a career educator, mentor, coach or trusted person in your life. Which brings me to my next thought–I really hope that students scouring the shelves in the university bookstore look to their network as a rich resource, too. Start off with your friends, family, profs, employers, and the career center! Set up coffee meetings and ask that contact to introduce you to a person or two so that you can increase your networks.

Another screen shot of a book and its secrets!

44 Secrets! Now, some of them make me think of Captain Obvious, but I’ve been working since I was 16. I do think that the book has lots of great hints/information for the job seeker. It looks helpful in a cheeky sort of way. I should have taken more photos of the table of contents, as this book really made me laugh out loud.

I liked the section about: You’re Hired, Now What? This is also an important part of the job seeking process. What to do when you get hired. Some of the best advice that I’ve heard about once you’ve been hired is that you act and dress for the job you want. I’ve had other great advice, too. You know–keep your head down and work hard, avoid landmines, make good allies, and don’t piss off the more senior people. This is a quick list of some of the advice and certainly not exhaustive.

I have lots of former students on the job hunt right now and I wish each and every one of them good luck. If any of these books look promising, stop by a bookstore and leaf through it before you buy it. And, remember that we have a great Career Center on campus! Have one of the career educators review your resume and a sample cover letter. The staff or mentors on campus are here to help and you want to represent yourself in the best way that you can. Good luck!

What single word defines you?

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When I was at Social Media Camp earlier this month, one of the keynotes talked about what single word defines you. I think this was part of Erica Ehm’s presentation. It took me a few minutes, but then the word appeared in my head. Passionate. I am passionate about things I do and thing that I support. It was funny that I actually pictured some student evaluations or thank you cards that noted my passion for the material was infectious or kept them awake during the early morning class. This passion has allowed me to have great conversations with people, but also offers me moments of frustration. Passionate people don’t always understand why others don’t have a similar passion for their interests, work, and politics.

What is your single word? I’m sure that the word will vary.

Here I include a photo of me looking at a book. Books and reading are one of my passions. What is your single word for today, tomorrow, or that you live by?